


Get Gone

by MegGonagall



Series: When The Pawn... [2]
Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Addiction, Angst, Anxiety, Bi-Curiosity, Bisexuality, Depression, F/F, F/M, Implied/Referenced Drug Addiction, Infidelity, Mildly Dubious Consent, Prequel, Sexist Language, Unhappy Ending
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-10-14
Updated: 2019-10-14
Packaged: 2020-12-15 00:41:40
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 9,855
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21024923
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MegGonagall/pseuds/MegGonagall
Summary: How many times would she have to tell him to get away, to get gone? He came back. He always came back. He never stayed, but he sure as hell came back. And like a complete twit, she’d let him.





	Get Gone

**Author's Note:**

> This story sets up for the events of Unpave My Path. If you haven't read that one yet, these could be read out of order. But, reading Unpave My Path first is the way I envisioned this series of oneshots to go. I promise, there is one more oneshot coming, and it's set a few years after Unpave My Path. Lily will finally get some sort of a happy ending. All three of the stories in this series are inspired both by Fiona Apple songs (this one inspired by the song Get Gone, and Unpave My Path was inspired by A Mistake), and also loosely from events of my own life, many, many moons ago. Hope you've enjoy this installment! 
> 
> Thanks for reading! <3

_How many times can it escalate_  
_Till it elevates to a place I can't breathe?_  
— _Fiona Apple_

***

How many times would she have to tell him to get away, to get gone? He came back. He always came back. He never stayed, but he sure as fuck came back. And like a complete fucking twit, she’d let him.

Lily wasn’t a seer, by any means, but she always just _knew_ when he’d show his face again. Usually she’d have some kind of dream about him, or a friend would mention something about him, and for whatever reason, like some sort of Dark Magic, he’d fucking appear. It was always the same bollocks; he was _sorry_, he was a child and didn’t know what else to do but run when things got _too real_, and then finally, he truly did love her. And she’d fall for it. Every single fucking time, Lily would fall for it.

She wasn’t proud of it, but at the end, she’d cheated on a boyfriend for several months with _him_. It was the same routine multiple times a week. She’d get home from her boyfriend’s flat, settle into bed, and fall into a half-sleep waiting for the owl to arrive, asking her to meet him after his girlfriend finally left. The owls would arrive all different times of night. Normally between the hours of one and four in the morning. It didn’t matter that she had work at eight… she’d go. Of course she would. She still loved the fucker and was convinced that, if she were amendable, he would take her back. Fucking fool she’d been.

It had been roughly a year and a half since they’d broken up the second time. Neither of the times they split up were pretty. Cruel words were thrown at her after he cheated, and made her feel as if it were somehow her fault. Truthfully, she hadn’t known any better. She was nineteen years old when they started dating the first time. He had been her first _real_ boyfriend. The first person she ever had sex with. She _thought_ what they had was love. She was in love with him, hopelessly, but he never loved her. It took her a long time to admit that to herself, but he never did.

It all began when Lily was seventeen. Lily met _him_ through her cousin, Roxanne Weasley. He had been a Ravenclaw with her cousin, whereas Lily followed the Potter and Weasley tradition of residing in Gryffindor, save for her Slytherin brother Albus. She knew of Shane Laurie during most of their time in school, but she didn’t _know_ him. Not until just before her final year.

He and Roxanne had left Hogwarts two years before Lily, and she had been formally introduced to him during the summer holiday between her sixth and seventh years. When she first saw him, she immediately _knew_. He was tall, had dark hair, and the most beautiful brown eyes she’d ever seen. They were almost gold, they were so light. And when he smiled at her, it nearly knocked the breath out of her lungs. She knew he was someone she _had_ to have, even though she never really had any boyfriends before him. Lily was a studious sort, unlike her mother or her father. She was compared to her Aunt Hermione throughout her time at Hogwarts, more times that she could have counted.

After they officially met they hit it off quite well, and when she went back to school, Lily and Shane would owl one another frequently. They started to become pretty decent mates, and he would even come visit her on Hogsmeade weekends. They had quite a bit in common, as they were both rather fond of Muggle music. Primarily rock and alternative music from when her parents were younger. She laughed a lot when she was with Shane. If anything, the git was rather amusing. The more time she spent with him, and the more owls they sent to one another, the more deeply she had fallen for him.

Shortly after she had finally left school and began an entry-level position at _The Daily Prophet_, the two started to meet regularly. He had a job at the Ministry, as most people did after Hogwarts, in the Department for the Regulation and Control of Magical Creatures. They would have lunch together in the Atrium nearly every day and would meet for coffee at a little shop in Diagon Alley on the weekends.

The more time the pair spent together, the harder Lily was falling for him. When he laughed, it gave Lily the strangest sensation in the pit of her stomach, and when he’d hug her, her entire body would feel warm. She dreamt of him often. Almost nightly. And, as much as she tried otherwise, he dominated most of her thoughts throughout each day.

Soon their meetings became even more frequent, and they began spending time at one another’s flats. Usually with some wine or Butterbeers, they’d listen to vinyl records they had found at a Muggle thrift shop.

Lily was the first to admit her feelings, one night after he impulsively kissed her when they had been play-fighting on the couch at his home. That should have been her first red flag because, Shane told her immediately after that he didn’t have feelings for her, and the kiss had been a mistake. She went from elated to heartbroken within minutes, and the pair parted for the evening rather awkwardly. Lily cried the entire night, thinking about how stupid she had been for assuming he had felt the same as she did. She felt so embarrassed, so of course she didn’t seek him out the following day, which then caused the two to avoid each other for a fortnight afterwards.

Out of the blue one Spring evening, when she had finally forced herself to begin getting over him, she froze in her seat at the kitchen table as she recognized his brown owl plopping down before her. With a shaky hand, she reached for the letter in his beak, and she clumsily opened the parchment as her fingers trembled.

_Lily,_  
_Please forgive me. I was not_  
_being honest with you, or_  
_myself for that matter. I would_  
_very much like to try a relationship_  
_with you, if you’ll still have me._

_Shane_

Lily immediately wrote back that _of course_ she would have him. She wanted nothing more than to be his. She sealed the letter and gave it to his owl, not knowing that was the first time she should have told him to get away, to get gone.

For the following month, everything felt perfect. Lily was falling hard and fast. It wasn’t long before realized that… she loved him. She didn’t say it. Fuck no, she didn’t say it. A part of her feared that if she did say it first, he would have bolted immediately, like he did after their first kiss. So she did the same stupid thing _so many_ people in her position had done since the beginning of time. She decided to show her love to him physically. A silly little part of her thought if she gave him her virginity, that he would have told her that he loved her. Because as she was brought up to believe, _when a man and a woman love each other very much_, and all of that bullshit you’re taught about sex at a young age.

It was horrible, her first time. It was more painful than she expected, and she didn’t experience any of the pleasure she’d heard shagging gave you. And after they were finished, he just left. Hardly any words were spoken besides, “It’s late… I better get home.” Shane barely kissed her goodbye, before twisting on the spot and leaving with the loudest pop of Disapperation she’d ever heard in her life. Barely a minute had gone by before Lily collapsed and sobbed herself to sleep.

He didn’t say it. She was certain that he might have told her he loved her after that, as foolish as that thought might have been. Her heart hurt in the strangest of ways. It almost felt like it was missing from her body. If she hadn’t felt it pounding, she would have been sure it was gone.

A few days passed and she made another childish error. Instead of actually voicing her feelings out loud, with some (later realized) horrible advice from a friend, she owled him, _asking_ if he loved her. She still didn’t admit that she loved him, but any idiot would have realized that was what she had been getting at in her letter. No owl ever returned with an answer, nor did he bring up the subject when they were together, and she began feeling as if things would now be different.

That was when everything changed. Shane had become more distant. She noticed a habit of him scoffing at most things she would say, and he caused her to feel quite stupid any time she would express an opinion or concern. He would talk down to her, like she was a fucking child. Especially when they were around other people. He would sometimes go days without speaking to her, and Lily felt herself starting to spiral out of control. What did she do wrong, she wondered? When he actually would spend time with her, all he wanted to do was shag. When they weren’t somewhere with all of _his_ friends, while he ignored her, that was.

The days he would disappear started becoming more frequent, until it got to the point where she’d gone a full two weeks without a word from him. Lily had finally reached her breaking point, and wrote a long letter demanding to know what was going on, and where had he been?

Shane took days to respond, leaving Lily in a torturous limbo of uncertainty. That was when the drinking began.

He’d sent her a letter one evening, more or less accusing her of being a — as he put it, _psycho_, for demanding where he’d been. His letter had been harsh, stating she was _too clingy_, that he wasn’t in love with her — well, she finally got her answer there, and ended with him telling her he needed a break.

A break from what, she wondered? Everything seemed as if it was going fine. They rarely fought, and she thought they had fun together. She was mostly always amenable to his plans and what he wanted to do. She felt she was the perfect girlfriend. She tried to be, at least. And it was okay that he wasn’t in love with her yet. Sometimes it took people longer to fall in love than others, right?

Lily had then reconnected with an old mate from Hogwarts, Siobhan Thomas-Finnigan, who was the daughter of two of her parents’ mates from their days in school, Dean Thomas and Seamus Finnigan. She was known for being a little wild, but the girl was usually fun to be around. Lily told her all about her troubles with Shane, and Siobhan’s answer was to forget about him and have a few pints with her at a local pub.

It started out just on the weekends she’d go out, but gradually she started adding in a day or two during the week. She still wondered where Shane was, and why he stopped all contact with her. His letter didn’t explain much. It was just, well… sort of mean, if she was being honest with herself. Lily started feeling a lot of self loathing at that point. She blamed herself for Shane disappearing. Obviously she must have done something wrong to have caused this break.

Days turned into weeks, and the weeks turned into months, and she hadn’t heard from Shane. Lily began to shut herself off from her friends and family, only really spending time with Siobhan, and whatever blokes they found at the pub. It was usually easy for them to find men. Siobhan was beautiful -- long blonde hair, and these amazing greenish-blue eyes. She was loud, fun, and had that kind of personality that just drew people towards her. People had always told Lily she was pretty, too, but she never believed it. She was a little more reserved than her mate. Quiet, but usually friendly. It always shocked her to see the handful of Wizards, or Muggle men who would flock to them each time they were out. She still hadn’t slept with anyone else, just on the off chance that she and Shane could talk and get things back to normal. Whatever normal was.

Eventually Autumn arrived, and Lily was nowhere near over her heartbreak. She was walking along the streets in London, in her newfound state of mental fogginess, mildly oblivious to her surroundings. Lily had just lost her job at _The Daily Prophet_. She missed work the day before, due to a particularly vivid dream she had about Shane. It was nothing special. She dreamt of the two of them talking and listening to records like they used to, what felt like a lifetime ago. Lily woke crying and eventually slipped into a panic attack. There was no way she would have been able to work, only having slept for two hours that night. It wasn’t the first time she missed work due to a panic attack. She had owled in sick too many times over several weeks, which ended up violating their attendance policy and caused her to finally end up being sacked.

She was on her way to visit her father at work, to give him the bad news — and perhaps see if there was a way he could have helped her out financially for the time being. She was just arriving to the Visitor’s Entrance to the Ministry when a haggard looking man, with unkempt hair and filthy clothing approached her. She didn’t even notice him until he was leering down in front of her. The shock of the man standing so close that she could smell the rancid stench of liquor on his breath, caused Lily to freeze. She didn’t have time to grab her wand before he shoved her to the ground and ran off with her handbag.

Lily got up as quickly as she could, but a sharp pain shot through her left ankle, and she nearly fell back down. Damn thing was sprained, she quickly realized. Her vision became blurry due to the rapidly forming tears in her eyes, and she cursed loudly, wondering what she had done to deserve such awful luck over the past few months.

Suddenly her entire body stiffened when she heard a voice. _His_ voice. Surely she was now completely mental and hallucinating things, she thought.

“Lily?” Shane asked with a tenderness in his voice she had only lately heard in her dreams. “Lily, are you alright? What happened?”

She turned around slowly, trying not to put any weight on her injured ankle, and had to blink several times to make sure it was really him.

“I-“ her voice hitched. “That man, he…”

Lily broke down from the weight of emotion, between being sacked not even two hours beforehand, then having her personal belongings stolen from her, the pain shooting up her leg, and the relief she felt from hearing his voice, then feeling _his_ arms wrap around her. His embrace felt like coming home after a long day.

Shane stayed with Lily and took her to St. Mungo’s to have her ankle mended, then the two went to the place they used to share coffee at, what felt like so long ago. They talked for a while, like nothing bad had ever happened between them. Then Shane apologized for not speaking to her for so long, and he admitted that he had been foolish and missed her. She should have told him to sod off, but Lily was quick, _too quick_, to forgive him for leaving her broken-hearted.

That was the second time she should have told him to get away, to get gone.

She didn’t know how it happened, but eventually the two began seeing one another regularly. There was no talk of relationships, or any of that — Lily was very careful not to express any of her true feelings, out of the fear of losing him once more.

It wasn’t until New Years Eve, when Lily expressed that she did not fancy any parties, or going out at all for the evening, did Shane invite her to his flat to spend a quiet evening together. The two chatted nearly the entire night, and when midnight came around, he placed a soft kiss onto her lips. It was the first time they had kissed since before their break.

Lily didn’t know what to do, or how to react. It was everything she wanted for _months_, but a part of her was frightened that it would have been all taken away again. Nevertheless, she kissed him back fiercely, and before the night was over, she found herself in his bed.

Shane had given her a whole speech about how much he cared about her, and it scared him how much he cared for her, which was why he acted the way he did. Lily, being the naïve girl she was when it came to relationships, ate it all up, believing every word he said. She failed to notice at the time that he still had not said he loved her. Not once. He said he _cared_, and that she _meant a lot to him_, plus a bunch of other rubbish. Hindsight was always 20/20, they said…

Once again they were a couple, and Lily was happier than she could ever remember. Siobhan didn’t approve of the relationship and told Lily over and over that there was something she did not trust about Shane. Shane didn’t really trust Siobhan either and felt she was a bad influence on Lily, so, Lily cut things off with her friend. From then on, she spent the majority of time with Shane and his mates.

By the time Spring came around, Lily ended up finding a part-time job working at a small shop in Diagon Alley. She worked a few hours a night selling treats and other random items at a place similar to a Muggle convenient shop. Things had been going well with Shane. They were nearly always together, except for when either he or she were working. He was attentive, overly sweet, and treated her like she was the only Witch in the world for him. One thing that stuck with her was something he said when they were both cuddled together, naked in his bed.

“You’re beautiful, Lily,” he told her, as he brushed a stray lock of hair from her eyes.

Lily felt her cheeks flush, as she bit her lip. “I’m not…” she whispered.

Shane leaned towards her, and pressed his lips to her forehead.

“I wish you could see yourself through my eyes.”

She thought about that night many, many times, and each time it caused her heart to skip a beat. Never had anyone said something so sweet to her.

Then when Summer came, things once more began to change. Shane started to become distant again, just as he did the year before. Before everything turned on its head and sent Lily’s life upside down. He was shorter with her, and began speaking to her like a child again, most of the time. She tried not to panic at first, not wanting to cause him to lash out and need another break from her. So when she wouldn’t hear from him for three or four days at a time, she would make herself be patient, even though it killed her.

One night she couldn’t take it any longer and against her better judgment, fighting the pit in her stomach that told her something terrible would come of it, she Apparated to his front door. Her heart pounded as she knocked timidly, wondering why she was so afraid to go to her own boyfriend’s flat. He didn’t answer at first, but Lily heard something inside. Even though she shouldn’t have done it, Lily pressed her ear to the door and felt as if her stomach had dropped out of her body when she heard moaning inside.

He was with another woman.

She didn’t know what to do, should she leave, or should she burst in there and hex them both into oblivion? Her thoughts became jumbled and her breathing was uneven. A sudden sharp pain flashed across her head, and before she could stop herself, she pointed her wand at the door and blasted it opened.

The sight before her seemed as if she were watching it through the screen of a Muggle television. It couldn’t have been real. The naked woman beneath her equally naked _boyfriend_ wasn’t real. None of this was happening. Right? Right?! Someone had to tell her she was dreaming, because there was no possible way Shane was _fucking_ some blonde bitch while Lily stood there with her wand pointed at them, clenched so tightly in her trembling hand, that her knuckles were white.

The two looked in alarm towards Lily, and Shane jumped off of the woman so quickly, he almost appeared as a blur.

“Shane?” Lily choked out, in a small voice, mixed with desperation and disbelief.

Lily didn’t want to cry. She did not want to stand there and give them the satisfaction of watching her cry. But her body had other ideas, and before she could stop them, hot angry tears streamed down her cheeks.

“Laura,” he had the fucking nerve to address her first. “Why don’t you take off, yeah?”

The girl shot Lily a look like _she_ had been the one who had done something wrong, by barging in there. It took every last ounce of strength she possessed not to Crucio the bitch. Instead, she focused her eyes on Shane, who finally had the sense to cover himself up with a nearby blanket.

When she heard the pop of that girl’s Disapparation, Shane turned to look at her. He didn’t even look remotely sorry, she realized.

“Lily…” he said, exasperated. Again, like _she_ had done something wrong!

Lily took a step toward him with her fist balled. She was going to punch him. Fuck magic, she wanted to physically hurt him.

“What the fuck, Shane? What the FUCK?!” she shrieked.

He called her crazy once before, well, he was going to see crazy now, she thought.

“Is this why you’ve been disappearing? Is that who you’ve been doing? What the _actual fuck_, Shane?!”

Shane sat down on his couch, keeping his eyes on the ground.

“This is over, Lily,” he said in a cold voice. It didn’t even sound like breaking up affected him at all.

That angered her even more. After all of the time and effort, heartbreak and uncertainty, and everything else she had put into this… this mindfuck of a _relationship_, this was how it was going to end? With him fucking some whore, and him not even having the decency to apologize or explain himself?! She began seeing red.

“Fine!” she shouted, and turned towards the door.

Just before her hand grabbed the handle, she stopped. No. No, she was not leaving this way. Lily was finished holding her tongue when it came to Shane. He was not going to have this… this fucking _power_ over her anymore. It was like he had had her under some sort of bleeding Imperius Curse for the last several years, and seeing him with another woman broke her out of it.

She turned around slowly, barely controlling the urge to hex his manhood off.

“Why?” She’d meant for the question to come out with some sort of heat and anger, but her fucking voice betrayed her, making the word sound shaky and frail.

Nothing could have prepared her for the look in his eyes when he lifted his head to look at her. In all of the years that she had known him, she had never seen such a cold, disgusted look in them. She felt as if she could have vomited.

“_Why?_” He sneered.

Lily involuntarily flinched.

“You really want to know why?” he asked again.

She nodded, yet now she wasn’t entirely sure she wanted to hear the answer.

“Because, Lily, you’re a fucking lifeless! A total _bore_,” he spat. “You’re clingy and just too fucking simple. You never fight with me, or challenge me. You just go along with whatever I say. And besides all of that, you’re fucking terrible in bed.”

Yes, she was certain she was going to be sick now. How fucking _dare_ he?!

“You were my first! I’ve been learning _with you!_” she screeched.

He laughed without mirth and shook his head.

“You’re like fucking a dead fish. It’s something you should just _know_ how to do, Lily. Why do you think I’ve fucked so many other girls?” 

There had been more? She felt like the floor fell out beneath her at that statement. She honestly couldn’t take another word.

“Fuck you!” she spat and turned on her heel to leave.

“No thanks!” he called after her as she ran from his flat.

She couldn’t think straight as she ran, and she bumped into several people, not even realizing they were there. Lily didn’t know where to go, or what to do. Her whole world felt like it just came crashing down around her. Suddenly the streets of London began to feel like they were closing in around her. Everything felt too small, and her breathing became shallow. Quickly she ducked into an alley, where she leaned against a wall, and slid down slowly, where she sat holding her knees to her chest. Finally, she began to sob.

Lily didn’t know how long she sat there, but she started to realize that she was soaking wet. It had begun to rain, and she hadn’t even noticed. It didn’t do her well to be sitting alone in an alley.

A few hours of aimless wandering later, she found herself at her brother’s flat which he shared with his boyfriend, Scorpius Malfoy. She knocked on the door in a daze, everything around her feeling very much like a bad dream she could not wake up from.

“Lily?!” Scorpius said with the shock at seeing her in such a state very much evident in his tone.

She stood there sopping wet, hugging herself, not due to the cold, but because she felt it was the only way she could keep herself from falling apart.

“Can I come in?” she asked. Her voice sounded different to her own ears. Hollow. Dead. Utterly defeated.

Scorpius stood aside, and she vaguely noticed him summoning a towel for her out of the corner of her eye.

“Of course. Merlin, Lils, what happened to you?” he asked, as he handed her the towel.

Lily let Scorpius lead her into his kitchen. He ordered her to sit, as he cast a drying spell on her, and proceeded to make them each a cup of tea. When he placed the mug before her, Lily clung onto it and stared blankly ahead. She didn’t know how to even begin.

“Al’s not here,” he said to break the silence. “But whatever happened, whatever it is, you know you can talk to me, as well, right?”

Lily looked up into her brother’s boyfriend’s grey eyes, which screamed of concern. It was true, she did know that she could easily talk to Scorpius Malfoy. Over the years, he had become like an unofficial big brother to her. For what she had heard from her Uncle Ron about the Malfoy family over the years, knowing the sweet, thoughtful and kind man that Scorpius was, it made the stories difficult to believe. Even his father, Mr. Malfoy, had always been decent to her and Albus.

“I know,” she finally said. “I - I just…”

She couldn’t say it. Saying that she had caught the man she loved with another woman would make it real. And she so badly didn’t want it to be real.

“Was it Shane?” Scorpius asked. She didn’t miss the way his mouth seemed to twist around the name.

Funny. She never realized before that Scorpius didn’t seem to like him.

She nodded. A single tear rolled down her cheek.

“What did he do this time?”

Well, she might as well have gotten on with it. Lily took a deep breath and began to tell Scorpius what she had just witnessed. What he had said to her. For as much as she didn’t want to talk about it at first, once she began, she just couldn’t seem to stop. Not only did she tell him about what happened earlier that day, but she proceeded to tell him about the entirety of their relationship. As painful as it was to speak about it, there was something cathartic about getting everything off of her chest.

About halfway through her story, Albus came home. It seemed Scorpius sensed that Lily did not want to repeat the first half to her brother, so he gave him the gist of what had happened. Several times as Lily vented, she noticed Albus scoot his seat back and gripped his wand, as if he wanted to go pay Shane a visit himself. Lily pleaded with her brother not to do anything, and especially not tell James. They all knew that there would have been nothing any of them could have done to stop James from ripping him to shreds if he had known all of the details of what happened. It was more for James’ sake than Shane’s that they had come to that decision. They all felt it would have made family gatherings a little awkward in the future if their father would have to arrest their brother for assaulting someone.

Days began passing, which then turned into weeks, and Lily was… well, not alright, but she tried. She started hanging around with Siobhan again, which meant she was drinking more frequently. She’d lost her job at the little shop in Diagon Alley, due to just not showing up any longer the first few weeks after everything with Shane happened. There were many days that Lily didn’t even get out of bed unless it was to head to the pub to drink.

Two months after she and Shane split for good was when she finally slept with someone. Her friends had given her the advice of, “_the only way to get over a man, was to get under a man,_” so she decided, fuck it. Why not? It was awful, of course. She met up with a bloke she had gone to Hogwarts with, who was apparently sweet on her when they were in school together, but she had never known. The two got to talking and drinking, and by the end of the night, they were shagging in her flat. It felt strange to sleep with someone else. Wrong. Not that sleeping with someone was _wrong_, just that sleeping with Connor was wrong. He was barely even dressed before Lily said she was tired, and suggested that he should head home for the evening. It was obvious that he had wanted to stay, but Lily wasn’t having any of that. And when he owled her several times after that night, Lily never replied. She was not going to risk becoming attached to anyone else for quite some time.

And so her new routine continued. She’d go out, drink, find a bloke to take home, kick him out, sleep, wake up and repeat. Eventually, she and Siobhan hooked up as well. There was one evening where the two girls were not able to find any blokes to take home with them, and decided they would head back to Lily’s flat for a few more drinks and some spliff. They were sat at the kitchen table, and a conversation was brought up about possible interest in sleeping with a woman. Lily never admitted to anyone before that, but she had always been slightly curious about it. There had been a few girls she found attractive in her life, more so than just a fleeting thought that they were pretty. Siobhan told her that she had been with women before, and after a few more drinks, Lily had her first experience with a woman.

When she woke in the morning, she remembered nothing. She looked down and was shocked to see she was completely naked, with her best friend just as naked next to her. Both of their clothes were thrown around the room. Lily sat up and covered herself with her sheet as Siobhan stretched and yawned next to her.

“Morning,” she said.

Lily jerked her head towards their clothes. “What the fuck happened?” she asked.

Slight flashes began to play in her head. Them kissing, Siobhan’s hands… everywhere. A few more things. Lily gasped.

“Don’t you remember?” Siobhan asked with a chuckle. Lily shook her head. “We had a lot of _fun_ last night,” she told her as she rolled out of bed and began gathering her things.

Lily didn’t know how she felt about that. After all of the spliffs, pills, and shots of liquor, Siobhan seemed to push on her the evening before, something about their… _encounter_, didn’t sit right with her. She didn’t want to think that her best friend purposely got her extra fucked up to have a chance at shagging her, but… it certainly felt that way.

After Siobhan left that day, Lily made the decision to spend some time away from the girl. It wasn’t that she was ashamed that she had slept with her. She actually wished she remembered the experience, since it was something she’d always wondered about. No, she made the choice because she wasn’t comfortable about how it happened at all.

Lily then began spending a lot of time either alone, or with Al and Scorpius. It was the two of them who suggested she visit her cousin Roxanne, since the pair of them used to be so close. So Lily then began her monthly weekend trips to visit her cousin.

It had been months since she’d seen Shane, and weeks since she really thought about him. Of course she’d slip now and again, usually when she was home alone, and almost always right before she fell asleep at night — or at morning might have been more accurate.

She found a job in a Muggle diner, and her shift was over night. There was a regular customer who would come in with some mates almost nightly who she began to have a sort of crush on. His name was Ryan. He was the complete opposite of most of the blokes she’d fancied. Ryan was exceptionally tall and blonde, not at all her type. But he was sweet, funny, and sort of quiet. She thought of asking him out a few times but never quite worked up the nerve. Mostly because, even though he was the scum of the earth, she truthfully wasn’t completely over Shane, and what he had put her through scared her from wanting to enter another relationship.

As was becoming common for Lily, she didn’t last long at the diner. She worked there for a total of three months, before she just stopped showing up. The overnight schedule wore on her, plus she got a creepy vibe from the cook, who used to follow her into the back, alone, quite frequently in the middle of the night. Something felt off about the man, and every time he was near her, she’d felt the hairs on the back of her neck prickle. Almost like some sort of warning. So again, Lily found herself unemployed for several months.

Somehow during that time she had, against her better judgement, and multiple warnings from her friends and family, began corresponding with Shane again. She hated this fucking hold he had on her, even still, but she just couldn’t fight it. He had written to her one evening. His letter was filled with apologies and excuses. He stated he had started drinking heavily around the time she had caught him cheating, and he wasn’t himself. That recently he had joined a Muggle support group for alcoholics, and one of his steps was to apologize to those he had wronged while he was sick.

It took her two days to respond to the letter. She reread it so much, it was beginning to fall apart. How could she have not known he was dealing with addiction, she wondered? A part of her felt guilty that she hadn’t read the signs, and wasn’t there for him. It was that guilt which prompted her to respond, and after that, they owled almost daily for weeks.

That was the third time she should have told him to get away, to get gone.

It all ended the final time she’d let him fuck up her life. It was during one of her monthly visits to see her cousin Roxanne, who decided to attend a Muggle University after she’d left Hogwarts. Most people in the family didn’t understand it, but Lily was fine with Roxanne’s decision. Uni made for some pretty wild parties, which Lily was always up for, so she made many trips to see her cousin.

She had recently been somewhat dating a coworker of hers, Zaheed. A nice bloke. Plus, the body on him was nothing to roll her eyes at. He had the kind of arse that you just wanted to bite, it was so perfect. Even though he did have two small boys from a previous marriage, that didn’t bother her. She always liked children and quickly came to fall in love with them. Her… boyfriend? She didn’t know if that was exactly what she wanted to call him. Well, she _liked_ him a lot. He had told her that he loved her, just about three weeks into them dating, but Lily far from loved him. She loved the idea of him. She always felt badly about what she ended up eventually doing behind his back, all because of a bastard who was a master at manipulating her.

One weekend when Lily was going to visit Roxanne, she suggested bringing Shane along with her, since it had been quite some time since the three of them had all hung out together. Lily was nervous at first. It would have been the first time she’d actually seen Shane in a long time, but decided she was strong enough to handle it.

The trip there was actually quite lovely. The two laughed and joked a lot, and it felt very reminiscent of when they first became friends. A small part of her felt hopeful that perhaps things would lead to something _real_, something permanent, but she tried to bury that little bit of hope away the moment it popped it’s little head up.

Roxanne only had two rules for Shane and Lily when they reached her flat. No fighting, and no fucking. Lily’s face burned bright red as she sneaked a glance at Shane, who she saw looked as uncomfortable with Roxanne’s _request_ as Lily did. She didn’t intend on either happening. Fighting with Shane was never something she was good at. And as far as fucking him went… well. No. That part of her life was over.

That Friday evening, Lily admittedly had a lot of fun. Roxanne took Shane and Lily to one of her friend’s flats, where they drank, played Muggle drinking games, which she quickly learned to love, and passed more spliffs around than she had ever seen. It felt like before she and Shane had ever got together with how easily they laughed, and how natural their interactions had been. Roxanne eyed them suspiciously a few times throughout the night, and even at one point pulled her aside.

“Lils look. Be careful, alright,” she said while they were in the loo together.

“What do you mean?” asked Lily, slowly losing a battle with gravity, and using the sink to keep herself remaining upright.

Roxanne finished up, and stood as she pulled her pants back up. “I see how he’s looking at you, and as much as he is still my friend, I don’t trust him when it comes to you. Just don’t… don’t let him in again.”

Lily rolled her eyes while Roxanne washed her hands. “I’ll be _fine_, Rox,” she assured her. “We’re friends. Staying friends is better for us,” she went on, not sure if she was trying to convince herself or her cousin.

The rest of the night went by in a drunken haze, and before she knew it, she was waking up alone in the spare bedroom at Roxanne’s place. Her head pounded, and her mouth was exceptionally dry. She needed water.

Quietly she tiptoed out into the sitting room to find Shane sprawled out across the couch. He looked almost innocent as he slept, she found herself thinking. His lips were curled up just slightly in a small smile, and he slept on his side with his hands folded under the side of his face. His looks were quite deceiving, she knew, since he was the furthest thing from innocent. But fuck it all, he was beautiful.

After all three of them were finally awake that afternoon, they ventured out for some fried, greasy food. Always the best to cure hangovers. Then headed back to the flat with some takeaway to get high and watch Muggle telly. It wasn’t that Lily had never seen the telly before, but it was always a rare occasion when she did. It was fascinating to her -- all of those little Muggles in a box for them to watch. Things like that made her realize why her grandfather had such a fondness for them.

Their evening went on in almost the same exact way the one before had. Loads of alcohol, much laughing, and plenty of weed. But when they got back to Roxanne’s flat that night, Lily and Shane stayed awake after Roxanne announced she was off to bed.

It was the first time in a while that she and Shane had been alone late at night together. Lily curled up on one of the couches, and wrapped her arms around her knees, hugging herself. It was quiet. Much too quiet. And the tension in the room slowly mounted as Shane said nothing, but watched her in a way that was much too familiar and caused her heart to ache. She didn’t want that look. Not the smoldering, any second he was going to try to kiss her look. Her heart couldn’t handle going through the emotional rollercoaster that was Shane Laurie once more.

Finally, just when she was about to bolt from the room, he spoke.

“Lily, look… I.” He ran his hand through his hair. “I know I was a prat.”

No. No, she was not going to allow him to do this again. She was _not_ doing this again.

“We don’t have to talk about it,” she said in a strained whisper. What she meant was, she didn’t want to talk about it.

He raised an eyebrow at her, then nodded once. “Alright then.”

Actually, no. No, Shane needed to know exactly what he had done to her. How much he had hurt and betrayed her. For far too long Lily sat quietly, and allowed him to rip her heart apart. She’d always been too afraid to speak up and stand up for herself when it came to Shane. Maybe it was the alcohol, or maybe she’d finally stopped giving any and all fucks, but she was finished biting her tongue.

She watched as Shane unfolded his blanket, and prepared to kip on the sofa for the second evening in a row. Lily always had a habit of bottling everything in, but at that moment, it was like she was going to explode.

“You really hurt me, you know,” she blurted out.

Shane froze, keeping his back towards her. His shoulders slumped as he let out a loud breath.

“I know,” he said softly.

“Why? Why, Shane? Not only were you my boyfriend, but you were my friend first. Someone I thought I could trust.”

Her eyes filled with tears. Dammit, she didn’t want to cry. Why did she always cry when she was angry or frustrated? Quickly she blinked away the tears so he wouldn’t notice.

Slowly he turned around, and sat cross legged on the floor.

“I - I don’t have an answer for you, Lily. I don’t know why I do the things that I do sometimes.”

Lily stared at him in disbelief and snorted loudly.

“You don’t _know?_” she hissed. “You don’t know why you spoke down to me, made me feel like shit, and stuck your dick into anything with a pulse?”

Shane inched closer to her, Lily drew back.

“Lily, I’m sorry, alright! I don’t know what else to say!” He ran both hands through his hair. “I’m fucked up. I’m just fucked up, and you were probably better off staying away from me.”

No, Lily was not going to allow him to play the victim. A surge of anger flashed through her, and those fucking tears of hers started flowing freely down her cheeks.

“That’s not good enough, Shane! I don’t want to hear about how _sorry_ you are again!”

Her breath was coming out in heavy pants, and she had a strong urge to slap him across his face.

“Then what do you want from me, Lily?”

That was a good question. What did she want from him? Although she was technically in a relationship, it wasn’t anything serious. Well, to Lily at least. They fucked a lot. And she spent a few nights a week at his flat. But a part of her truly did want Shane back. Why? She hadn’t a clue. He had some sort of pull on her that she would never quite understand.

“I want you to stop! I want you to acknowledge that what you did was awful, and hurtful, and just not fucking do it again!”

Shane’s eyes widened.

“What are you saying, Lily? Do you want to give this a go again?”

Lily was full out crying now. Did she? Yes. Badly. Should she? No. Would she? Probably. It seemed she was a masochist.

“I don’t know,” she whispered, wiping her cheeks. “I don’t know.”

Shane climbed up next to her, Lily shifted her weight away from him. And when she felt him attempt to put his arm around her, she froze.

“Please,” she whimpered. “Please don’t. I can’t take it if it’s not for real this time.”

Without a word, Shane wrapped his arms around her, and before she could stop him, he kissed her full on the mouth.

Deep down Lily knew this was a terrible idea. She knew that Shane never kept his promises, and that he would most certainly break her one more time, but when his lips were pressed against hers, none of that mattered. Shane tasted like home. In his arms was where she belonged. And in what seemed like no time Lily took Shane into the spare room she had been sleeping in. They had just broken Roxanne’s first rule of no fighting, they both figured why not break one more.

It was the final time she should have told him to get away, to get gone.

Lily, for whatever reason, did not break things off with Zaheed after she returned from her cousin’s that weekend. She lied and told him that she had a quiet weekend with her cousin, and continued staying at his flat and helping with his children. Little did he know that each night after she’d make some excuse to leave, she’d find herself at Shane’s, where the two of them would shag until the early hours of the morning. Shane was also in a relationship at this point. Something he neglected to tell her about during their weekend at Roxanne’s. But he assured her it was nothing serious, that the girl, Sharon, was as he put it, _crazy_, and he was just waiting for the right time to break it off with her, so that he and Lily could be together.

She believed him. She shouldn’t have, but of course she did. It was because, after all of this time, Shane finally told her he loved her. One night, after she had left Zaheed’s, and after he kicked Sharon out of his flat, the two were laying together after another fantastic shag. He had just given her another story of how he cared for her very much, and any day now he was going to leave his girlfriend. Lily started to have doubts.

“You say you care about me, but you never loved me, did you?” she asked.

Lately she’d had more courage when it came to speaking her mind around him.

His arms tightened around her, then he leaned in to kiss her forehead.

“I do love you,” he said with his lips still against her skin.

If he loved her, and actually said it, he had to have been for real this time, she thought. This time, it was the real thing. She was sure of it.

“I love you, too,” she said, snuggling in closer to him.

Over the course of the next few months, things hadn’t changed. Shane was still cheating on Sharon with Lily, and Lily was still cheating on Zaheed with Shane. She kept telling herself that soon they would both leave their significant others and have an actual relationship. It had to be soon, she’d keep telling herself.

Also, during that time, as sick as it was, she became friends with Sharon through a mutual friend. Why? Probably because Lily was becoming about as fucked up as Shane claimed to have been that night at Roxanne’s flat. But she began feeling even more guilt about what they were doing, because truthfully, she liked the girl. Strangely, she reminded her a lot of herself, before Shane first fucked her up. When did she become such a trash human being, she wondered? Who becomes friends with your ex’s, who you’re still fucking, current girlfriend, she asked herself?

About a month before Lily’s 22nd birthday, she ended things with Zaheed. She spent eleven months with the man, in which eight of them she’d been screwing around on him with Shane. She wasn’t proud of how she ended it. She just stopped coming around, and stopped all contact with him. But she was excited to tell Shane she had finally ended things with him, and now he could end things with Sharon as well. She tried not to think of how hurt Sharon would be when the truth came out, but Lily felt she deserved to be a little selfish, since she was Shane’s first, after all.

Another night of shagging ended with Lily and Shane in bed together. Lily told him what she had done, and Shane once again promised he would do his part _soon_. Lily started to get that bad feeling in her gut, that things were going to become fucked up again. She didn’t know why, but it was something about the way Shane was being short with her that evening that was super familiar to her. No. No he wouldn’t do this again to her. Not now. Not after he finally told her he loved her, and not after she ended her first -- somewhat, relationship since Shane.

The next evening, Lily was sat at her kitchen table having some coffee, before heading out with Siobhan. The two recently began owling, and Lily figured she’d had enough time to get over what happened between them several months ago. She was startled when she heard someone banging at her front door. Normally, her close friends and relatives just used the floo. Who could it have been, she wondered?

She received quite a shock when she opened the door to see Sharon standing there, with her eyes red-rimmed and watery. It was clear the girl had been crying. Lily’s stomach dropped. _She knew_. She had to have known, otherwise, what was she doing there in that state?

“Sharon!” Lily exclaimed. “Merlin, look at you, come in.”

Lily figured she’d play dumb for now. She wouldn’t admit to a thing.

When they both sat down at the kitchen table, Lily waved her wand quickly making some tea for the girl.

“Here,” said Lily, as the cup landed before Sharon. “What happened?”

Lily braced herself, waiting for Sharon to begin shouting, or possibly hexing her. But instead, she sat there crying silently. Lily felt like the biggest heel.

“I didn’t know where else to go,” Sharon said softly. “I - I… you’ve been through it. I’ve heard you’ve been through it. I didn’t know where else to go.”

She didn’t know what to say. Lily assumed Sharon meant that she knew Lily went through Shane’s bullshit before, so that had to have meant she knew Shane was cheating. Lily’s stomach was doing flips.

“He’s cheating,” she whispered into the mug clasped between her hands.

Lily was sure she was going to vomit. She was so sure that she wouldn’t have been phased by Sharon’s heartbreak, but seeing it in front of her, and just how familiar it looked. How could she have done this to another person? Especially when she knew just how badly it hurt.

“I’m so sorry, Sharon. I didn’t mean-”

“I caught him with that fucking slag Laura just before I came here,” she cut her off.

Laura. Laura?! The same blonde bitch that Lily caught him with herself? The one that he left Lily for! He was fucking _Laura?_ He was fucking Laura, while was fucking Lily _and_ Sharon!? What kind of a monster was Shane? Lily bought it. Again, she fucking bought into his bullshit. She fucking believed him when he told her he loved her. She fucking believed him when he told her Sharon was crazy, and that he was going to leave her. Again, she _fucking fell for it!_ What was wrong with her?!

Lily saw red. She tasted almost something metallic on her tongue. It took her a few moments to realize it was her own blood, due to biting her lip in rage. Her hands shook. Fucking Laura. That was it. That was the final straw. Lily was finished. She was going to ruin Shane. Even though she risked Sharon lashing out on her, she was going to tell the girl everything.

“Sharon, I think we need to talk…”

For two hours straight Lily and Sharon talked. Lily told her _everything_. From the weekend it began at Roxanne’s flat, up until the night before. She did not leave any details out, no matter how hurtful they may had been, only because she did not want to see Sharon make the same dumb mistakes she did, when it came to that fucking sociopath. Lily apologized profusely, telling Sharon that she was also in the wrong, and that being in love with an asshole did not excuse her behavior. She truly did feel horrible about adding to the girl’s pain, since she knew what it felt like herself.

Surprisingly, their chat brought the girls closer together, and instead of Sharon being angry with Lily, she actually comforted her, and told _Lily_ how sorry she felt for what she had been through. Shane was wrong. She should have known Shane was lying. Sharon was lovely. Truly a good person. Too good for the likes of that prick.

Lily cancelled on Siobhan after Sharon left, intending on ending things with Shane once and for all. Something snapped in Lily after Sharon told her about Laura. Shane never loved her. Shane never cared for her. Shane got off on control. And Lily was absolutely finished letting him control her life anymore. She may have told herself that dozens of times before, and never stuck to it. But this time, she meant business. It was like she was seeing him clearly for the first time in her life, and what she saw, she couldn’t ever love.

Lily pounded at Shane’s door, but no one answered. She knocked, and knocked, and almost blasted it down, but it seemed he wasn’t home. She came back every day, for a week straight, and he never would answer. Fucking coward, she thought. Not only did she want to rip him apart, she needed the closure. But, he must have known she found out, and he avoided her. Finally Lily had enough. If should couldn’t see him face to face, she would just have to write him. What she needed to say couldn’t be left unsaid.

_Shane,_

_From now on, you stay away from me. I should have known better,_  
_and I guess the fault is as much mine as it is yours. I should have known_  
_ you were a sneak, and a liar, and a fucking sociopathic asshole. I should have_  
_never spent so much of my time, energy and love on someone so cold, and_  
_incapable of anything remotely resembling human emotion. I hope karma comes_  
_back on you tenfold, Shane. But even then, you’d be getting off easy._

_As of now, you are dead to me. Do not owl, do not floo, do not come to my flat,_  
_and do not seek me out in any other way. You can’t hurt me anymore, Shane. You_  
_no longer have that power, because in all honesty, I don’t care for you in the slightest._  
_I would say have a good life, but I don’t give two fucks either way._

_No longer yours,_  
_Lily_

Lily felt different after sending that letter. She thought she’d feel like a weight was off her shoulders, or like she had some sort of closure, or sad, or just feel _anything_. She didn’t. Lily felt colder. She felt harder. She actually didn’t feel much of anything at all. She stopped going to work again, and once more found herself unemployed, and the only time she felt anything remotely resembling joy was when she was pissed out of her mind at a club with Siobhan.

More and more Lily started going out to drink, and even more frequently she began drinking at home alone. It was the only way she was able to handle being awake. Otherwise, she would fold in on herself and become numb to the world. At least drunk was something she was able to _feel_. And when she began taking blokes home each night, fucking was another thing she was able to feel. It wasn’t the healthiest way of handling things, but at least she was feeling something, right? At least this way, she was strong enough to make sure that Shane truly did get away, get gone.


End file.
